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Gloriha's Profile

Update Monday, November 2, 2009

Got this in an email from The RC:

RANDOM THOUGHTS OF THE DAY:

1. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

2. I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger.

3. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

4. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

5. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

6. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

7. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

8. I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.

9. Bad decisions make good stories

10. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

11. I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

12. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?

13. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

14. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

15. I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

16. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.


I love most anything by Sandra Boynton, and I found this gem when I was looking for her birthday card:




Thanks to Phil, Noelsgrandpa, for this:

HOW TO TELL WHETHER OR NOT YOU ARE READY TO HAVE KIDS:

MESS TEST
Smear peanut butter on the sofa and curtains. Place a fish stick behind the couch and leave it there all summer.

TOY TEST
Obtain a 55 gallon box of Lego’s (or you may substitute roofing tacks). Have a friend spread them all over the house. Put on a blindfold. Try to walk to the bathroom or kitchen. Do not scream because this would wake a child at night.

GROCERY STORE TEST
Borrow one or two small animals (goats are best) and take them with you as you shop. Always keep them in sight and pay for anything they eat or damage.

DRESSING TEST
Obtain one large, unhappy, live octopus. Stuff into a small net bag making sure that all the arms stay inside.

FEEDING TEST
Obtain a large plastic milk jug. Fill halfway with water. Suspend from the ceiling with a cord. Start the jug swinging. Try to insert spoonfuls of soggy cereal into the mouth of the jug, while pretending to be an airplane. Now dump the contents of the jug on the floor.

NIGHT TEST
Prepare by obtaining a small cloth bag and fill it with 8-12 pounds of sand. Soak it thoroughly in water. At 3:00pm begin to waltz and hum with the bag until 9:00pm, lay down your bag and set your alarm for 10:00pm. Get up, pick up your bag, and sing every song you have ever heard. Make up about a dozen more and sing these too until 4:00am. Set your alarm for 5:00a.m. Get up and make breakfast. Keep this up for 5 years. Look cheerful.

INGENUITY TEST
Take an egg carton. Using a pair of scissors and pot of paint, turn it into an alligator. Now take a toilet paper tube and turn it into an attractive Christmas candle. Use only scotch tape and a piece of foil. Last, take a milk carton, a ping-pong ball, and an empty box of Cocoa Puffs. Make an exact replica of the Eiffel Tower.

AUTOMOBILE TEST
Forget the BMW and buy a station wagon. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there. Get a dime. Stick it into the cassette player. Take a family size package of chocolate chip cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car. There, perfect.

PHYSICAL TEST (Women)
Obtain a large bean bag chair and attach it to the front of your clothes. Leave it there for 9 months. Now remove 10 of the beans. And try not to notice your closet full of clothes. You won't be wearing them for a while.

PHYSICAL TEST (Men)
Go to the nearest drug store. Set your wallet on the counter. Ask the clerk to help himself. Now proceed to the nearest food store. Go to the head office and arrange for your paycheck to be directly deposited to the store. Purchase a newspaper. Go home and read it quietly for the last time.

FINAL ASSIGNMENT
Find a couple who already have a small child. Lecture them on how they can improve their discipline, patience, tolerance, toilet training and child's table manners. Suggest many ways they can improve. Emphasize to them that they should never allow their children to run wild. Enjoy this experience. It will be the last time you will have all the answers.

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It is easier to be wise for others than for ourselves. Francois De La Rochefoucauld

RECOGNITION

"The hunger for love is much more difficult to remove than the hunger for bread." -- Mother Theresa

"Appreciate people. Nothing gives more joy than appreciation." -- Ruth Smeltzer

"We can secure other people's approval, if we do it right and try hard; but our own is worth a hundred of it." -- Mark Twain

"Praise is a powerful people-builder. Catch individuals doing something right." -- Brian Tracy

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More baby amusement :)




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PROCRASTINATION

"Most people spend their entire lives on a fantasy island called "Someday I'll"." -- Denis Waitley

"You may delay, but time will not." -- Benjamin Franklin

"Some men have thousands of reasons why they cannot do what they want to, when all they need is one reason why they can." -- Mary Frances Berry

"Some people procrastinate so much that all they can do is run around like firefighters all day -- putting out fires that should not have gotten started in the first place." -- Nido Qubein

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I am so easily amused:




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If I won't be myself, who will? - Alfred Hitchcock

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Prayer is not an old woman's idle amusement. Properly understood and applied, it is the most potent instrument of action. - Mahatma Gandhi

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The cyclone derives its powers from a calm center. So does a person. -- Norman Vincent Peale

If the average person realized the power he wields over his life and destiny, he would live in a perpetual state of wonder and thanksgiving. -- Earl Nightingale

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Good and evil do not befall men without reason. Heaven sends them happiness or misery according to their conduct. -- Confucius

The grand essentials for happiness are: something to do, something to love and something to hope for. -Chalmers

Everything comes to him who hustles while he waits. -Thomas A. Edison

If you judge people, you have no time to love them. -Mother Teresa


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This trumps the Ellen thing, I think :)




I truly believe the funniest things in life are real; you just can't make up this stuff. Here is a clip from the Ellen Show about a real product:





From my dear friend, Terry, BigLebowski:




Another "gem" from Terry!!

Click the happy face to learn more about the 'We Listen To It All Club'. We are committed to listening to an entire song and no return listen required!

Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional -- Chili Davis

And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight inside the bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom. - Anais Nin



What does your birth month say about you?

If Joan of Arc could turn the tide of an entire war before her 18th birthday, you can get out of bed. -- E. Jean Carroll

Pain is inevitable -- Suffering is optional. -- Anonymous

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AN IMPORTANT MESSAGE ABOUT GROWING OLD:

Well, crap...

Now I forgot what it was.

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Clutter is the same thing as junk. It just has a home. -- Author unknown

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"Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right." -- Henry Ford

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::: BREAKING NEWS :::

In 2009 the government will start deporting all the mentally ill people. I started crying when I thought of you.
Run my little crazy friend, run!

Well, what can I say ?? Someone sent it to me and, dammit, I'm NOT going alone !!

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God doesn't give you the people you want, He gives you the people you NEED -To help you, to hurt you, to leave you, to love you and to make you into the person you were meant to be. -- Unknown.

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Don't you wish there was a knob on the TV to turn up the intelligence? There's one marked 'Brightness,' but it doesn't work. -- Gallagher

If your ship doesn't come in, swim out to it! -- Jonathan Winters