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angelelissa's Profile

I am feeling the need to re-tell my story of how I got to SS. I am a housebound woman who has an incurable immune disease. Due to that, I can not be around other people or I get very ill; more so than I am on any given day, which is at baseline, ill with respiratory problems and a hoarse voice, pain and the inability to perform basic daily tasks we all take for granted. I am able to be out of bed, but have limited stamina. I was born to sing, majoring in music, but turned around and became a nurse after working as a nursing assistant for my summer job in college. I then realized that music is my soul, but I did not want to teach it, as you need to explore the technical side of the art and what I really like is to fill my soul with song. I sang all the time; for and with many people over the years. 3-4 years ago, this illness attacked my voice and body with a vengeance that left me barely able to speak and totally unable to sing a note. I had to quit my job over a year ago, after being a nurse for 30+ years. It was gut wrenching to do this, as I was the primary bread winner and loved what I did. This has caused me a huge amount of stress, as money is an ongoing issue and I worry constantly. For what ever reason and out of pure frustration, last fall I yelled at God and tried to sing and a note came out. I had nothing to lose and hopefully something to gain. I was barren and felt alone and worthless. I was over the moon with joy when that note flew from my mouth. I only had a few notes left there, but I had some. I went from being able to sing 3 octaves to a very fragmented scale. Someone told me about SS and I thought it would be perfect for me, as I can not really leave my house much, yet would be able to share singing with others. A friend graciously paid for me to join up. It took me over a month to put out my first song. I was terrified and still am every time I release a tune. My insecurity is monumental and I am heartbroken when I am reminded of what I had versus what I now have. I am learning to accept my new voice, but am easily struck down when I realize I am not that good anymore. I pretend it does not bother me, but inside I am full of tears and heartache. I try to make others laugh and hold them up when they are down. There are many great singers here and I want them to succeed, but I also would like, just once, to be the one who is thought of as worth taking a chance on. I still grieve for the years of singing I took for granted. It is humbling and hard to lose part of your soul. I took this profile off a while ago, as I thought perhaps people would think I was looking for sympathy or using this as an excuse if things did not work out for me, but it has not really changed anything. So, here I am...dirty laundry and all once more. Today I have had to really search my soul and decide if I can bear the pain of being here much longer. May God be with you all and please know I pray each day for all the SS members and friends I have met. I just do not know if I can personally endure the heartache I take on because I do not measure up time after time. It will all be answered for me this fall when my membership time runs out, but until then...I simply do not know.