Update Friday, May 18, 2012:

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Words to Live By
1. Never wrestle with a pig; you both get dirty, and the pig likes it.
2. Never argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
3. Trust, but verify.
4. It’s easier to obtain forgiveness than to ask for permission.
5. Never resist the temptation to keep your mouth shut.
6. Don't ask questions if you can't live with the answers.
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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."

The officer then asks, "Really? And just who is giving that lecture at this time of night?"

The man replies, "That would be my wife."

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A middle-aged man walks into a psychologist's office wearing a dancer's tutu, flippers and a scuba mask.

The psychologist, humoring him, asks, "What seems to be the problem?"

The man answers, "Well, Doc, I'm worried about my sister..."

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Signs That You Are the Reincarnation of Someone Famous

~ You wake up during a thunderstorm to go fly a kite.

~ Out of luck winos are bringing you jugs of water.

~ When the boss criticizes your work, you hack off your right ear and mail it to him.

~ You consider Yoko an artistic genius, AND think she has a gorgeous singing voice!

~ During heavy rainstorms, you build a giant boat and start stealing your neighbors' pets.

~ You're found writing the office rules on giant stone tablets.

And the surest sign you are the reincarnation of someone famous...

~ While working under the sink, you get an insatiable urge to paint a church ceiling.

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A customer called the airline's reservation office to pay for his ticket with a credit card. The reservation specialist asked him,

"Would you please spell the name as it appears on the card, Sir?"

The customer carefully replied, "V-I-S-A."

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The gentleman on the bus looked up to see a new passenger dressed as Abe Lincoln, who sat beside him.

"What's with the costume?" asked the gentleman.

"I'm going to a party," said Abe, "I'm supposed to come dressed as my sex life."

"But you look like Lincoln," protested the gentleman.

"That's right. My last four scores were seven year ago."

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One Sunday morning my son, Tommy, came into the kitchen to find me preparing a big breakfast for his mom.

He asked me, "Why are you making Mommy breakfast? Is she sick?"

"No, Tommy," I replied, "It's Mother's Day."

After giving a few moments thought to what I'd said, he responded:

"Oh," said Tommy, "then is every other day Father's Day?"

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Only a Mother...

- Can listen to the same knock-knock joke 27 times without hollering "Nobody's Home."

- Will be a Scrabble partner with a kid who thinks "cookie" begins with "k."

- Will unwind 56 feet of toilet paper so her little darling can have the empty roll to make a Mother's Day present.

- Knows the location of every drive-through window in town.

- Knows the exact temperature a crayon will melt on the dashboard.

- Will try to hide a leafy green vegetable in a cookie.

- Knows the secret to happy grocery shopping with a toddler...visit the bakery aisle first and plug his lips with a big donut.

- Can cherish the 1,000th bleating of "Twinkle, Twinkle" from a budding violinist.

- Will show up at work wearing Mickey Mouse stickers on her posterior.

- Sees a Picasso in those scribbles decorating the fridge.

- Can deal out emergency lunch money from the dryer lint filter.

- Can find her last good pair of panty hose hitching a wagon to a tricycle.

- Knows the sure-fire way to get three kids to eat carrots...buy two carrots.

- Is limber enough to wrestle a fitted sheet onto the top bunk bed.

- Invests fifty dollars in stale macaroons to help send the French Club to Disneyland.

- Will attempt to grow hydroponic tomatoes in one night for a last-minute science project.

- Can see across town and locate a missing shoe from her office desk phone.

- Can switch from cook to catcher in an instant.

- Has a bathtub that's filled with little yellow duckies.

- Seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie.

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  After a night on the town a man picked up two picture perfect blondes and took them back to his place for a romp.

  "Just out of curiosity," the man asked them, "are you two sisters?"

  "No," one of the blondes said, blushing, "we aren't even Catholic!

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You Might Just Be Italian if...

1. You swear very well.
2. At least one of your cousins is a fireman, a cop, a funeral director, or a councilman. You also have at least one nun and one priest in your family.
3. You think you sing very well.
4. You have no idea how to make a long story short.
5. There's no big difference between your losing your temper and you killing someone.
6. You're strangely poetic after a few beers. You are, therefore, poetic a lot.
7. You get punched in the face for no good reason ... a lot.
8. You don't think it unusual for the grieving widow to be soused at the wake.
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Young man to a girl he was dating: "What is the last thing you take off before going to bed?"

Girl: "My feet off the floor."

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  Young man to the girl who had finally agreed to sleep with him: "Have you slept with anyone before?"

Girl (angrily): "That's my business!"

Young man: "Oh, I didn't know you were a professional."

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