Updated Monday, June 10, 2013
Smileys from an online friend:
On my morning walk, I thought of a way to become a millionaire. I'll have everyone on the Internet send me $1.00 to find out after their 60 how to impress everyone with their looks and health. It’s really simple and easy and fast. All you have to do is when someone asks you your age, just add 8 to 15 years to it. For being 62 I don't look so hot; but for 75 I look great!!
During a wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the pastor with an unusual offer. "Look, I'll give you $100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to me and the part where I'm to promise to 'love, honor and obey' and 'forsaking all others, be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that part out." The prospective groom then passed the minister a $100 bill and walked away satisfied.
The day of the wedding, the bride and groom are prepared to exchange vows. When it comes time for the groom's vows, the pastor looks the young man in the eye and says:
"Do you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life and swear eternally before the world and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"
The groom gulped, then looked around and said in a tiny voice, "I do."
The groom leaned toward the pastor and hissed, "I thought we had a deal?"
The pastor put the $100 bill into his hand and whispered back, "She made me a better offer."
If ignorance is bliss why aren't more people happy?
If you don't pay an exorcist do you get repossessed?
No man is smart, except by comparison to those who know less.
Happiness is not a state to arrive at, but a manner of traveling.
What you are is what you have been, and what you will be is what you do now.
People laughed at me when I told them I intended to become a comedian. Well, they're not laughing now.
Has it ever occurred to you that there might be a difference between having an open mind and having holes in one's head?
Road signs are a real indication of what an area is like:
In Virginia you have signs saying, "Deer Crossing"
At Yellowstone you have signs saying, "Bear Crossing"
In Africa you have signs saying, "Elephant Crossing"
And in Washington D.C., you have signs saying, "Double-Crossing!"
Keli and Annie were flying Arkansas Airlines to Minneapolis. Annie was flying the plane, and Keli was in the back, securing the cargo equipment and stuff.
Suddenly the plane hit some turbulence and started bouncing around. Annie got knocked unconscious. Then the plane started drifting. Keli came running up to cockpit and saw Annie sprawled out all over the controls.
Well, Keli didn't know anything about flying and she started to get panicky. She grabbed the microphone and screamed "May Day! May Day! This is Arkansas Air Line 90210. Annie, is knocked unconscious and I don't know how to fly the plane!"
"This is the control tower," someone answers. "Don't you worry about nothing. We're gonna teach you how to land the plane, step by step. Just leave everything to us. First, how high are you, and what's your position?"
Keli thought for a minute, then said, "I'm five-foot-two and I'm all the way to the front of the plane."
"No! No!" answered the tower. "What's your altitude, and where are you located?"
Keli said, "Man, right now I've got a poor attitude, and I'm from Caraway, Arkansas!!"
"No! No! No!" came an exasperated voice. "I need to know how many feet you got off the ground and where your plane is in relation to the airport!"
Keli, has started to panic by this time, and shouted, "Counting Annie's feet and mine together, we got four feet off the ground and I don't believe this plane is related to your airport!"
A long pause; the silence was deafening. "We need to know: Who's your next of kin."
A man was on trial for indecent conduct, exposing himself in public. The young victim was asked by the District Attorney what the defendant said to her during the incident. Too embarrassed to answer aloud, the victim asked if she could write out the answer.
After reading the note, the female judge instructed the jury foreman to read it and pass it among the rest of the jurors.
One juror, who had dozed off, was nudged by the woman juror sitting next to him. He took the note from her and read, "I'm going to give you hot sex like you've never experienced before."
The juror smiled at the woman and slipped the note in his pocket.
"Will juror number 12 please pass the note to me!" ordered the judge.
"I can't, Your Honor," the juror answered. "It's personal."
During his physical examination, a doctor asked a middle-aged man about
his physical activity level. The man said he spent 3 days a week, every
week in the outdoors. "Well, yesterday afternoon was typical; I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through 2 miles of brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I barely avoided stepping on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. I went to the bathroom behind some big trees. I ran away from an irate bear and then ran away from one angry bull Elk. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank a scotch and three glasses of wine.
Amazed by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoorsman!"
"No," the man replied, "I'm just a really, really crappy golfer."
A couple of young boys were fishing at their special pond off the beaten
All of a sudden, the Game Warden jumped out of the bushes. Immediately, one of the boys threw his rod down and started running through the woods.
The Game Warden was hot on his heels. After about a half mile, the young man stopped and stooped over with his hands on his thighs to catch his breath, so the Game Warden finally caught up to him.
"Let's see yer fishin' license, Boy!" the Warden gasped.
With that, the boy pulled out his wallet and gave the Game Warden a valid
"Well, son," said the Game Warden, "you must be about as dumb as a box of rocks! You don't have to run from me if you have a valid license!"
"Yes, sir," replied the young guy, "but my friend that was back there, well he dinn't have one."
Sarah and Dick were having dinner with a couple they'd not seen for several years. Each couple tried to recapture knowledge of the other by recounting their histories.
"And soon after we were married," Sarah began, "we were blessed with a marvelous, chubby creature with cute bow legs and no teeth."
"Was it a baby girl or a baby boy?" asked the other husband.
"Neither," Dick broke in, "Sarah's mother came to live with us."
Two tall trees are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them.
One tree says to the other, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The other says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling.
One of the tall trees says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"
The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. That, my friends, is the best piece of ash I've ever put my pecker in."
While carpenters were working outside the old house I had just bought, I busied myself with indoor cleaning. I had just finished washing the floor when one of the workmen asked to use the bathroom.
With dismay, I looked from his muddy boots and my newly scrubbed floors.
"Just a minute," I said, thinking of a quick solution. "I'll put down newspapers."
"It's all right, lady," he responded. "I'm already house trained."
"I dreamed I was on vacation," one man said fondly. "It was just me and my fishing rod and this big beautiful lake. What a dream."
"I had a great dream too," said the other. "I dreamed I was in bed with two beautiful women and having the time of my life."
His companion looked over and exhorted, "You dreamed you had two women, and you didn't call me?"
"Oh, I did," said the other, "but when I called, your wife said you'd gone fishing."
A little girl was asked what she wanted most for her birthday. She declared, "A baby brother!"
"Daddy and I would like to give you a baby brother," said her mom, "but there isn't enough time before your birthday."
"Then why don't you do like they do down at daddy's factory when they want something in a hurry?" replied the little girl.
"What's that, dear?" asked her mom.
"Put more men on the job!" exclaimed the child.