FirstKnight's Profile

After a while you learn that genuine smiles of approval give confidence...whereas frowns and criticism makes you feel small and insecure.
After a while you find that many heartfelt hugs bring joy and peace...and angry words destroy the bridge between souls.
After a while you find solace in the dawn of one more day where there is love...but mornings filled with dissension bring only pain.
After a while you realize a prayer that comes from knowing Him brings new life to thirsty souls.
After a while you find prayers said without depth and feeling ring hollow, devoid of grace and truth leaving the hearer empty.
After a while you realize each new day is a gift from a loving God...DON'T WASTE IT LIVING WITH TOXIC PEOPLE!
After a while you realize that asking God for wisdom and understanding are greater than wealth.
After a while you realize that those who who only desire wealth and power are bankrupt of integrity and character.
You see, aging gracefully in Christ brings the wonders of His eternal love much closer to the heart. We no longer accept the emptiness and misery of unbelief in caustic, unloving souls but instead the brighter hope of better life now and tomorrow.
My Reflections On Relationships by TedSUNDAY, FEBRUARY 17, 2013

Amazing Love How Can It Be That Christ, A King, Would Die For Me
I'm forgiven because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, You were condemned
I'm alive and well
Your spirit is within me
Because you died and rose again

I'm forgiven because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive and well
your spirit is within me
because you died and rose again

Amazing love, how can it be?
that you, my king. would die for me
Amazing love, i know its true
it's my joy to honor you
Amazing love how can it be?
that my king would die for me
Amazing love I know its true
its my joy to honor you
In all I do
I honor you

I'm forgiven because you were forsaken
I'm accepted, you were condemned
I'm alive and well
your spirit is within me
because you died and rose again

Amazing love how can it be
that you , my king would die for me
Amazing love, I know its true
it's my joy to honor you
Amazing love how can it be?
that you, my king, would die for me
Amazing love, I know its true
it's my joy to honor you
In all I do I honor you

You are my king
You are my king
Jesus, You are my king
Jesus, You are my king

Amazing love, how can it be?
that you, my king, would die for me
Amazing love, I know its true
it's my joy to honor you
Amazing love, how can it be?
that you, my king would die for me
Amazing love I know its true
it's my joy to honor you
In all I do I honor you
In all I do honor you
(sung by Chris Tomlin)

http://youtu.be/EwoCbcSXlSM

Awesome song and it is so full of the truth of what our Lord Jesus Christ does for us when we choose to trust Him with our lives.

I was just talking to someone a few minutes ago who said that "a salvation that is so easy and free to procure probably isn't worth the words spoken or the paper it is written on. Nothing is free in this life! You are fooling yourself if you believe God who required stringent sacrifice and strict obedience in the Old Testament would now suddenly change in mid-stream and make salvation a matter of faith plus nothing.

It is strange how we as humans feel that we must struggle and toil terribly to please God in order to procure His love. We will do the most horrendous and arduous tasks to get noticed by Him. There are so many, even calling themselves Christians who tell you that you can never know God intimately, and they fear Him in an unhealthy way. They say that salvation is unknowable until you are there. They use verses out of context to try to prove that God is a hard taskmaster. So many other religions have you struggle to attain to God and yet Christianity is truly unique in that God became a man and reached out to us so that none would perish if they would only realize that they have sinned against God, repent and believe.

2Peter 3:9 says The Lord is not slow about His promise, as some count slowness, but is patient toward you, not wishing for any to perish but for all to come to repentance.

I want to introduce the word GRACE here:

God's
Riches
At
Christ's
Expense

Grace and peace to you from God our Father and our Lord Jesus Christ. The Word of God through which the Holy Spirit touches our hearts are the words he breathed into the Apostle Paul to write, recorded in Ephesians 2:

4 But God, being rich in mercy, because of His great love with which He loved us, 5 even when we were dead [a]in our transgressions, made us alive together [b]with Christ (by grace you have been saved), 6 and raised us up with Him, and seated us with Him in the heavenly places in Christ Jesus, 7 so that in the ages to come He might show the surpassing riches of His grace in kindness toward us in Christ Jesus. 8 For by grace you have been saved through faith; and [c]that not of yourselves, it is the gift of God; 9 not as a result of works, so that no one may boast. 10 For we are His workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand so that we would walk in them. EPHESIANS 2:4-10 NASB

Hmmmmmmm was grace at work in the Old Testament as well?

“Even as David also describeth the blessedness of the man, unto whom God IMPUTETH righteousness without works” (Romans 4:6).

What in the world does that big word mean . . . IMPUTETH? The word “impute” means “to pass to one’s account, to count over” It means that Jesus places His righteousness upon our record when we trust upon Him for salvation. Romans chapter four speaks concerning Abraham, “For what saith the scripture? Abraham believed God, and it was COUNTED UNTO HIM for righteousness” (Romans 4:3). What a beautiful truth! Abraham was not saved by good works; but rather, he believed God and was saved by Christ’s righteousness. Christ’s perfection was imputed (placed) on Abraham’s record in Heaven. God the Father viewed Abraham thereafter as having the righteousness of Christ. What a Savior!

Abraham believed God concerning the coming Messiah which was to save His people from their sins . . . “And he believed in the LORD; and he counted it to him for righteousness” (Genesis 15:6). Why was Abraham able to simply believe God in place of merit or good works? It's simply because Jesus paid the price for mankind's sins. You see, Abraham could NOT please God in his own self-righteousness, nor can we (Ephesians 2:8,9; Romans 10:3,4; Titus 3:5). No matter how much good we may do here on earth, our sins are still recorded in Heaven. Our sins must be dealt with. This is why Jesus came to earth to pay the price for our sins with His own precious blood . . . “Forasmuch as ye know that ye were not redeemed with corruptible things, as silver and gold, from your vain conversation received by tradition from your fathers; But with the precious blood of Christ, as of a lamb without blemish and without spot.” All mankind is corrupt and destitute of God. Even in our sincerest efforts, humanity is tarnished with the curse of sin and rebellion. We need HIS RIGHTEOUSNESS, i.e., the imputed righteousness of Jesus Christ. We are saved by Jesus' righteousness through faith.

“But to him that worketh not, but believeth on him that justifieth the ungodly, his faith is counted for righteousness” (Romans 4:5).

We read in Romans 4:8, “Blessed is the man to whom the Lord will not IMPUTE sin.” Not only was Christ’s righteousness imputed (counted) to Abraham’s record, but Abraham’s sinful record was imputed to Christ. Literally, Jesus became as sin for us and died a sinner's death . . . “For HE HATH MADE HIM TO BE SIN FOR US, WHO KNEW NO SIN; that we might be made the righteousness of God in him” (2nd Corinthians 5:21). Amen!

We read concerning Abraham . . .

“And therefore it was imputed to him for righteousness. Now it was not written for his sake alone, that it was IMPUTED to him; But for us also, to whom it shall be IMPUTED, if we believe on him that raised up Jesus our Lord from the dead” (Romans 4:22-24).

This is a beautiful passage of Scripture, teaching that God is willing to IMPUTE Christ's righteousness to us as well, just as He did to Abraham, if we'll simply believe on the Lord... “To him give all the prophets witness, that through his name whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins.”

These Scriptures were written for us, that we might also have Christ’s righteousness imputed to our record, and our sins imputed to Christ’s record. He who knew no sin, became as sin, that we who knew no righteousness could be made the righteousness of God in Christ (2nd Corinthians 5:21). What a wonderful truth! To think that Jesus would actually bear our sins upon Himself and sacrifice His precious blood for our sins—we are not worthy. Thankfully, God looked beyond our faults through His love and saw our need . . . “But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us.”

I cannot express in Words how much I thank the Lord for what He has done for a sinful worm like me. Do you realize all that you will miss if you reject Christ as your Savior? Eternal life is a free gift (Romans 5:15; 6:23), which anyone may have simply by acknowledging their guilt of sin and believing on the name of Jesus Christ for forgiveness . . . “To him give all the prophets witness, that through his name whosoever believeth in him shall receive remission of sins” (Acts 10:43). It is by grace through faith in Jesus Christ that we are saved, so that God the Father may view us as having the righteousness of Christ which is imputed unto us at salvation . . .

“Even as David also describeth the blessedness of the man, unto whom God IMPUTETH righteousness without works” (Romans 4:6).

“And the scripture was fulfilled which saith, Abraham believed God, and it was IMPUTED unto him for righteousness: and he was called the Friend of God” (James 2:23).

Would you like to be the friend of God? Man tries to make salvation complicated and corrupts the greatest gift ever given to man.

It all begins when you say yes to Jesus and let Him become your Savior. Jesus earnestly wants to impute your sin to His record and impute His righteousness to your record. All you must do to be saved is admit your guilty condition before God for violating His holy Law (Romans 3:19), and then trust upon the Son of God to wash away your sins with His shed blood. Admit you’re a sinner deserving of Hell. Turn to Christ now in faith and trust Him to forgive your sins and cleanse you.

See you next blog,
Ted

O YEAH AND HAPPY EASTER IF YOU KNOW CHRIST AS YOUR SAVIOR BECAUSE IT REALLY IS ALL ABOUT HIM!

12 COMMANDMENTS I GIVE UNTO THEE OR THE IMPORTANCE OF PICKING A REAL CHRISTIAN HUSBAND FOR A SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGE

Statistics show that one out of every two marriages ends in divorce in America. This is frightening, appalling, and heart breaking! What has happened to the sacred institution of marriage that is ordained of God? How long can our nation survive when it is crumbling within like a decaying skyscraper? When our homes are gone, everything will be lost because the home is the foundation of our society. As the home goes, so goes the nation, and as the nation goes, so goes the world. All it takes to establish and sustain a happy home is a Christian husband and a Christian wife who are totally committed to Jesus as evident by their walk and then to each other.

THIS POST IS FOR YOU LADIES:

Therein lies the problem. Most of you ladies pick "churched" mates OR SO-CALLED GOOD MEN, thinking they are the real deal when in fact you have not truly examined them closely to see if they live the walk instead of just talking the talk. How do you pick the real thing?

Here you go gals ...here are the tests and believe me, you better test or you will end up accepting a fraud.

Does he exhibit the Fruits of the Spirit daily as required of believers in Galatians 5:22-25? Look them up if you don't know them (any of us can have a bad day but even then that fruit can be seen with a casual glance). IF HE DOES NOT EXHIBIT THE FRUITS OF THE SPIRIT DAILY, NEITHER YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN WILL BE NURTURED IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP TO CHRIST OUR LORD-HE IS A FRAUD!!!

Does he protect you? (I'm not talking about him saying he would give his life for you. Talk is cheap. Instead, does he protect your spirit by spontaneous Spirit-filled prayer? Does he protect your overall well-being-making you feel good about yourself? Does he give unselfishly without asking or expecting anything in return? If your intended cannot do these three very vital things for you, he will not protect your life! HE IS A LIAR!!!

Is he open to correction and have a teachable spirit? The Lord himself insisted that we be teachable and the Word of God tells us that we are to accept correction with a humble spirit...that includes correction from our wives. Hebrews 12 :3 tells us that we must accept correction willingly or we are not truly sons of God. If your intended covers his sins and puts them back on you for not being perfect and balks at correction, RUN AWAY! HE IS A TALKER NOT A DOER AND PROBABLY SELF-RIGHTEOUS!!!

Does he respect you? Does he honestly ask you to impart some of your wisdom into his thinking? Does he make you feel important when it comes to decision making and honestly implement your thinking into his mental process. Does he honor you in front of friends and strangers or put you down with jibes in so called jest or harsh critique? IF YOU FEEL LIKE YOUR OPINIONS AND FEELINGS ARE BEING DISMISSED-THEY ARE! RUN!!! HE IS A HATER AND LACKS COMPASSION!!!

Is he generous with his possessions? Proverbs 28:27 says he who gives to the poor generously will not lack, but he who hides his eyes from poverty and need will be cursed! If he is not generous with the poor and those in need, he will not be generous or kind with his family! HE IS GREEDY AND STINGY!!!

Does he promote others with good will or look down on those of a lower station in life with contempt? There are no less than 100 scriptures that tell you that a proud and haughty spirit is cursed by God and that calamity will follow those who are haughty and selfish. Do you honestly want YOU OR YOUR CHILDREN to suffer with a HAUGHTY AND ARROGANT fool the rest of your lives ladies?

Lastly, does he exhibit Godly wisdom or foolish behavior? All of the bad behaviors listed above are exhibited by a fool who does not walk with God, but only pretends to be something he can never be. Ladies, if you hitch your wagon to a fool WHO ONLY SPOUTS WORLDLY WISDOM, you and your children will live in misery. HE REALLY IS A FOOL-NO KIDDING!!!

READ ON!

It would be almost impossible to estimate the value of a Christian husband in a home. If you have one, you had better treasure your priceless jewel while you can and not wait until you are sobbing with regret. If he doesn't bring in "the green" quite as fast as you would like, but he prays with you in the morning and a bedtime every day, you are a very rich woman! If your husband attends worship with you, and teaches your children how to live a godly life, you are truly rich. A home can operate without a Christian husband and even produce children who can become faithful Christian but at a terrible price, but how much better off the home is with a Christian husband as its head, provider, protector and guide.

The first thing a real, genuine Christian husband does is cleave-not parasitic. God caused Adam to fall into a deep sleep and formed woman from one of his ribs. That means he only has eyes for his wife alone and no other. When Adam got his first glimpse of God's beautiful creation, he ended his classic response to God's handiwork by saying, "Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh" (Gen. 2:24). One tie must be broken before another can be established. Men must bear the burden for responsibility of a successful marriage according to scripture. Their responsibility is to give themselves as Christ did for the church...yes that means giving all your ambitions, hopes, and dreams up in order to serve your spouse and children. That means putting them and their needs above your own just as Jesus did for you, sir!

Like it or not, Christians divorce for various reasons so there must be a more intimate connection between a husband and his wife than exists between parents and children. Many broken marriages result in the joining of two very different views of marriage-each bringing their own personal baggage into the relationship. Disagreements on how to handle money, family (each spouses parents and children), and leadership need to be ironed out long before another ring goes on the finger. Each spouse must take the time and trouble to ensure that the partner they are about to take on really exhibits fruit that says their walk before God is genuine. Women who marry self-absorbed, selfish, controlling men often end up divorcing again.

Will your intended be a considerate husband? In 1 Peter 3:7 we read: "Likewise, you husbands, dwell with them [your wives] according to knowledge, giving honor unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered." To dwell with your wife according to knowledge you must do some studying! Study your beloved and find out what she really does need. What makes her happy? What makes her nervous? What makes her relaxed? What makes her depressed? Most importantly, is he willing to die to his own desires to serve you and your children?

A Christian husband considers his wife very precious and gives her the honor that she is due. We always honor, protect, and cherish that which we consider precious, if we are wise. If your sweetheart is precious to you, don't hesitate or neglect to give her the honor that she deserves and craves. The husband should always consider the fact that his wife is physically weaker than he is and treat her accordingly, not make her feel inadequate because she does not have your physical strength. At least, this is the way it is supposed to work. Many women are not frail weaklings in any sense of the word, but generally speaking,, they are weaker physically than men to some degree.

A Christian husband always considers his wife to be a fellow heir of the grace of life, or life eternal. This makes the relationship so much more meaningful than it would otherwise be. Being fellow heirs, both husband and wife have the same shining goal in life - to serve Jesus Christ in this world. Everything they say and do should be directed toward reaching this worthy goal. Life may be like a roller coaster with its joys and sorrows, but there is still hope, strength, and peace when both husband and wife know where they are going. Nothing can keep them from reaching their mutual goal except their own unwise choice to be unfaithful and disobedient. This common goal adds a dimension to the marriage that enriches it, ennobles it and expands it. Men you are the shepherd of your home and it is your responsibility to prayerfully and carefully provide an atmosphere of love, peace, and acceptance for your family!

Twelve Commandments for Husbands (God only gave ten BUT TEND TO HEAR ONLY WHAT THEY WANT TO HEAR)

1. Thou shalt love thy wife and commit thyself to her for a lifetime of oneness in marriage -divine and indivisible. Thou shalt make of thy marriage an exclusive relationship so that thy wife shall never have occasion to doubt thy love nor occasion for jealousy or lack of trust. As the scriptures say, "Husbands love your wives just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her" (Ephesians 5:25); "Cleave unto thy wife" (Genesis 2:24). NO ROVING EYES AND NO PORN EVER JESUS CALLED IT ADULTERY!!!

2. Thou shalt seek to understand thy wife. Thou shalt not be able to understand her, but thou shalt make a lifetime effort to do so. As the scriptures say, "Husbands, dwell with your wives according to knowledge" (1 Peter 3:7). LISTEN ATTENTIVELY AND TALK LESS YOU MIGHT LEARN SOMETHING!!!

3. Thou shalt talk to thy wife when thou comest home from thy work, when thou sittest in thine house, when thou liest down, and when thou risest up. Thou shalt at times turn off your favorite television program to assure thy wife she is more cherished than your favorite program, for communication is an expression of love. As the scriptures say, "Live a life of love" (Ephesians 5:2). ACTIONS SPEAK VOLUMES ABOUT YOUR CONCERNS TOWARD HER!!!

4. Thou shalt not talk down to thy wife nor use sarcasm or ridicule. Thou shalt not belittle her, for her sense of self-worth is much dependent on your appreciation and encouragement of her. As the scriptures say, "Love is kind" (1 Corinthians 13:4), and again, "Do everything without complaining or arguing" (Philippians 2:14), and again, "In honor prefer one another" (Romans 12:10). HONORING COSTS YOU YOUR PRIDE. GIVE IT UP EARLY OR LIVE IN MISERY!!!
5. Thou shalt listen to thy wife, asking for her advice and opinions, and recognizing her mental abilities and talents, as Abraham asked and followed Sarah's advice. Thou shalt also look lovingly and with attentiveness to thy wife when she speaks to thee. As the scriptures say, "Love is not proud or rude" (1 Corinthians 13:4-5.) SHE MAY BE WEAKER PHYSICALLY BUT JUST AS STRONG AND CAPABLE MENTALLY!!!
6. Thou shalt not lord it over thy wife, recognizing that the two of you are equal before God and that leadership in the home does not mean dictatorship. Neither does it mean being waited on nor having the best piece of chicken. Leadership means moral, financial, and spiritual responsibilities. Headship in the home also means sacrifice and service. As the scriptures say, "Submit yourselves one to another out of reverence for Christ" (Ephesians 5:21), and "Husbands, do not be harsh with them" (Colossians 3:19). Thou shalt not abdicate thy leadership role because of apathy or indifference, for love cares and bears all things. GOD GAVE YOU A LEADERSHIP POSITION IN THE HOME BUT YOU MUST EARN IT TO KEEP IT!!!
7. Thou shalt see that thy wife is thy best friend. The closest of all human relationships is marriage and it should know joyous comradeship, with laughter and good humor. Thou shalt share affection and confidences with thy wife and long to be in her presence. As the scriptures say, "Live joyfully with thy wife whom thou lovest" (Ecclesiastes 9:9). A FRIEND STICKS CLOSER THAN A BROTHER BECAUSE WE PICK OUR FRIENDS!!!
8. Thou shalt help thy wife in all those ways that sacrificial love would help, giving her of thy time, money, attention, affection (yea, even washing the dishes as needed), remembering that the scriptures say, "Bear ye one another's burdens and so fulfill the law of Christ" (Galatians 6:2). THAT INCOME YOU MAKE IS NOT YOURS IT BELONGS TO YOUR FAMILY SIR!!! IF YOU ARE STINGY WITH THESE THINGS YOU ARE NOT A TRUE SERVANT OF CHRIST!!!
9. Thou shalt accept thy wife as she is. Thou shalt not expect perfection. Thou shalt forgive her of her mistakes and confess thine own to her, remembering that "love covereth all sins" (Prov. 10:12). "Forgive each other as God in Christ has forgiven you" (Ephesians 4:32). IF YOU WANT TO BE FORGIVEN YOU MUST SHOW TRUE REPENTENCE BY YOUR DEEDS AND THAT TAKES TIME!!!
10. Thou shalt practice tenderness as the essential emotion, realizing that sex is a gift of God which expresses and enhances love. Sex is giving joy as well as receiving it. Thou shalt consider that nothing can erode the sexual union more than selfishness. Remember the scriptures say, "The husband's body does not belong to him alone, but also to his wife" (1 Corinthians 7:4); "Husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies" (Ephesians 5:28); "As ye would that (she) should do unto you do ye even so unto (her)” (Matthew 7:12). SHE HAS A RIGHT TO SAY NO GENTLEMEN-REAL LOVE WILL WIN HER BACK WOMEN KNOW WHEN THEY ARE NOT LOVED!!!
11. Thou shalt in some way each day show thy wife that "I need you,” that “I appreciate you,” and that "I want to help you." So shalt thy marriage become a strong and blest tie that binds two hearts in Christian love. ANYTHING LESS THAN THIS WILL MAKE SHIPWRECK OF A MARRIAGE IN SPITE OF WHAT YOU BELIEVE SHE CANNOT READ YOU MIND SHE NEEDS TO HEAR YOUR WORDS!!!
12. And should thy marriage become trying and seemingly an endurance contest, thou shalt not quit giving of yourself. Thou shalt "bear all things, believe all things, hope all things, endure all things" (1 Corinthians 13:7). Thou shalt trust thy God who is love and who is the God of the resurrection to rekindle and renew thy love. Thou shalt treat thy wife as thou didst when love was new. And having done all, thou shalt "suffer long" and "cast thy burdens on the Lord" knowing that he careth for thee and thy mate (1 Peter 5:7). ANYTHING WORTH HAVING IS WORTH PRAYING OVER, ANGUISHING OVER, AND CONSTANT NURTURING!!!

Conclusion:
Some churches and pastors tell a couple that the man is entitled to respect, entitled to be loved, entitled to have sex on demand and if you are fool enough to do this you will deserve the separation of hearts. THE TRUTH IS THAT YOU ARE ENTITLED ONLY TO WHATEVER YOU EARN BY LOVING WELL IN A MARRIAGE. THERE IS AN IMMUTABLE LAW CALLED REAPING AND SOWING. WHATEVER YOU SOW YOU WILL REAP LATER THAN YOU SOW, AND MORE THAN YOU SOW-SOW WISELY!!! Jesus was our example of strength tempered by love. You can only hurt someone so much before they shut down inside and can no longer find a reason to love. God gave women a special ability to love and forgive but if men insists on causing pain you are sowing discord and you will reap a whirlwind of loneliness and misery of your own doing!
Ladies if you feel something is wrong then it is!!! Don't be in such an all-fired hurry to over-look bad behavior. The consequence is misery for you, your children and your families! Don't let him give you the line that "you are not perfect either,", because that is a clear signal that he wants you to give him a pass for his sins which you will later find are many. Love covers a multitude of sins but not those where there is no repentance! God gives you wisdom if you ask according to James1:5-6-USE IT!

See you next blog,
Ted

DOMESTIC ABUSE – NO “HAPPILY EVER AFTER”

UNFORTUNATELY THERE ARE NO HAPPY ENDINGS WHEN IT COMES TO DOMESTIC VIOLENCE...LADIES THAT INCLUDES VERBAL VIOLENCE BECAUSE IT STEALS YOUR JOY AND SUCKS THE LIFE OUT OF YOU OVER A PERIOD OF TIME. VERBAL ABUSE ACTUALLY DOES AS MUCH DAMAGE OR MORE THAN PHYSICAL ABUSE. BOTH LEAD TO MISERY AND LIFE-LONG PAIN THAT WILL NEVER GO AWAY AND DOES NOT AFFECT ONLY YOU BECAUSE YOUR CHILDREN WILL REPEAT WHAT THEY HAVE HEARD AND SEEN. THIS ARTICLE IS BY TERRY LOVING AND SO VERY IMPORTANT THAT WOMEN UNDERSTAND THAT ABUSE IS NEVER ACCEPTABLE IN ANY FORM BY GOD!!!

KING JAMES 2000 BIBLE (©2003)

“For he flatters himself in his own eyes, until his iniquity is found to be hateful.

(I wrote this post a while back for my website – the message is worthy of repeating)
I can remember stories, those things my mother said
She told me fairy tales before I went to bed
She spoke of happy endings then tucked me in real tight
She turned my night light on and kissed my face good night
My mind would fill with visions of perfect paradise
She told me everything, she said he’d be so nice
He’d ride up on his horse and take me away one night
I’d be so happy with him, we’d ride clean out of sight
She never said that we would, curse, cry and scream and lie
She never said that maybe, someday he’d say goodbye
The story ends, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise
Of fairy tales, no
She spoke about happy endings, of stories not like this
She said he’d slay all dragons, defeat the evil prince
She said he’d come to save me, swim through the stormy seas
I’d understand the story, it would be good for me
You never came to save me, you let me stand alone
Out in the wilderness, alone in the cold
My story end, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise
No fairy tales, yes
I don’t look for pie up in the sky, baby
Need reality, now, said I Don’t feel the need to be pacified, don’t cha try
Honey, I know you lied
You never came to save me, you let me stand alone
Out in the wilderness, alone in the cold
I found no magic potion, no horse with wings to fly
I found the poison apple, my destiny to die
No royal kiss could save me, no magic spell to spin
My fantasy is over, my life must now begin
My story end, as stories do
Reality steps into view
No longer living life in paradise
No fairy tales, hey, hey
Oh, Lord
Read more: ANITA BAKER – FAIRY TALES LYRICS
………………………………….

I grew up reading Dick and Jane, Cinderella, and all the books that young girls cherished about love and romance and happiness at home with loving parents. I lived in a row home in Philadelphia, but that did not stop me from envisioning my Prince riding down my street, coming to rescue me. Our row home did not have a white picket fence, no matter. Someday my Prince and I would have a white picket fence of our own.
One day he would ride boldly to my mother’s house, and demand to take me away from the madness; the fury of domestic violence. No more would I suffer neglect and the damaging effects of the violence, for my Prince would take me away in a flash. While riding on the back of his beautiful stallion, I would wave goodbye to my mother’s dysfunctional household, leaving all the pain and misery behind.
……………………………………….
There would be no need to pack the rags that I was accustomed to wearing. My Prince would provide any and everything that I could possibly need. There would be no more hunger, for I would feast on the delicacies prepared by staff in his far away castle. My mind would only know peace, no more war. No more waking up in the middle of the night, crying, frightened, and bewildered.
I would stay at home like “Mother” in Dick and Jane – waving goodbye every morning from the edge of our white picket fence. I would be beautiful, at peace, and know only love and deep affection. My Prince would come home faithfully to me, and only have eyes for me and me alone. Like Cinderella, my Prince would reject all others, and we would live happily ever after. Oh dear mother, someday, I will leave your madness, and fly away.
……………………………………….

I dreamed of my Prince back in the 60’s, and here it is 2012, and women are still waiting for a Knight in shining armor. A new generation is envisioning the same white picket fence that I prayed for years ago. It seems that no one has bothered to tell them the truth, what a shame!
Before I move on, I am not some kind of Prophetess of doom. I am a realist, and life has taught me to be one over and over again – especially in the area of personal relationships and marriage. Anita Baker says it best in her song-Fairy Tales, “Reality steps into view.”
……………………………………….
Now there is nothing wrong with young girls reading Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty, and books of this sort. However, those who place these books in their hands should inform them that these books are for “entertainment only.” Better yet, the books should come with a warning, “This is not real life!”
Children find their own way to cope with violence and neglect while growing up. My coping mechanism was reading, and my imagination. I was a dreamer, and dreaming was my escape. My books were the gateway to another world, one that did not know domestic violence, abuse, or neglect. Unfortunately children who are abused often pick abusive partners in life.
……………………………………….
On the other hand, perhaps there are mothers’ who read these stories to their young daughters, and they live in homes not filled with violence. Everyone loves a love story with a happy ending, and caring mothers try hard to present the good in the world to their children. Loving parents try to avoid planting seeds of paranoia concerning dysfunctional people in the world, so sometimes fantasy is a good thing.
If I were raising a little girl today that loved to read fairy tales, I would read them with her. I would not take away the part of her that dreams of having a good marriage someday. But I would definitely let her know that real life isn’t how we fantasize it to be. She could keep her fantasies, but she would also be armed with reality.

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HAPPY ENDINGS
Movie goers love a happy ending. After all the drama, pitfalls, obstacles, and antagonism, we all root for our heroes to win the struggle. When our hero dies, we are disappointed. When love dies, we are devastated. Most, if not all couples anticipate happiness in their marriage. Unfortunately, the divorce rate shrinks the percentage. As we read about the divorce rate in our country, we know that not many people have found what makes for longevity, and happiness in a marriage.
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The only “perfect paradise” that I believe exists is the one spoken of in the Bible. Jesus told the thief on the cross that was condemned to die alongside of Him, “Truly I say to you, today you shall be with Me in Paradise”(Luke 23:43). Adam and Eve experienced paradise on earth, and they blew it, Genesis chapter 3. We are living in a fallen, sin-filled world where nothing and no flesh is perfect.
You may meet a “nice” man, and he may seem to be the answer to your prayers. But with the absence of a good Christian father, and correct Biblical teaching, you may not know what to look for in choosing the right man for you. Or, allowing the right man to choose you. “Nice” could be a cover-up for many negative characteristics that will come out later. So, what can you do? Listen to our heavenly Father’s guidance:
“Beloved, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God…” (1 John 4:1).
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Although the above scripture is referring to false prophets, the same advice should apply to Mr. “Nice.” The Greek work for “spirit” is PNEUMA. It can be used in reference to “the breath”
(2 Thessalonians 2:8). And “the immaterial, invisible part of man,” (Luke 8:55). PNEUMA also refers to the “sentient element in man, that by which he perceives, reflects, feels, desires,” (Matthew 26:41), and in Romans 7:22, “the inner man.”

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So when we “test” the spirits of others, we are searching for the qualities that one who claims to serve God should possess. Is Mr. “Nice” humble in spirit? God was able to use Moses because he was “very humble-more than any man who was on the face of the earth” (Numbers 12:3). Your Mr. “Nice” may not be on the same spiritual level as Moses, but possessing humility will bring him God’s grace. Here is an example of a check list that you can use to “test the spirit” of your new love, or the man you have doubts about.
(James 4:6-10; Job 5:11; Matthew 23:12)
“Humble yourselves in the presence of the Lord, and He will exalt you.” Does he humble himself in the presence of our Lord? Does Mr. “Nice” treat you and others with disrespect, or does he humble himself in front of your family and friends? How does he treat you in private? When no one else is around, does he still exhibit Christ-like qualities? Or does he change into a tyrant?
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Proverbs 16:32; 15:29; Proverbs 15:2)
Is he able to rule his spirit? Is he quick or even tempered? Does Mr. “Nice” have a problem with verbal abuse? Are there signs of anger? When he speaks, does he speak words of wisdom, or does his mouth bring forth folly? Has he ever threatened violence or acted on it? Does he throw things when upset, or frighten you with his anger?
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(Ecclesiastes 7:8; Ephesians 4:32)
Is your Knight patient in spirit, or does he exhibit haughtiness of spirit? Does he walk in the Spirit of God? And possess the fruits of the Spirit? And they are:
Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self-control. Does he easily forgive others their trespasses?

(1 John 3:4-10; Ephesians 5:3)
Does Mr. “Nice” lead you into sin when you want to do what is right? Do you find yourself compromising your salvation to have this man in your life? Does he often say things like “God understands” when he continually sins and entices you to do so?
(Colossians 3:9; Ephesians 4:25; Proverbs 19:22; John 8:44; Psalm 52:1-4)
Has your Knight ever lied to you? Does Mr. “Nice” make a habit of lying to you or others? Have you found his words and actions to be unreliable? Does he say one thing, and do another? Does he lack integrity?
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(1 Corinthians 15:33; Proverbs 1:1-19)
Does Mr. “Nice” keep good company? Have you ever met his family and friends? What are they like? Does he try to isolate you from your family and friends? Have you ever been told that he is all that you need, and you do not need your family and friends anymore? Be very careful with isolation, abusers plot to get you alone and away from support of family and friends.

(Psalm 53:1; Ecclesiastes 12:13; Psalm 10:4)
Most importantly, does your Mr. “Nice” believe in God, worship God, fear God, acknowledge God, and encourage others to serve God? Does he pray to the God of heaven? Does he trust God? Does he hinder you from worshiping God? Does he manipulate your religious beliefs? Make fun of them? Put you down because you are a believer?
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Certainly this list could go on and on. However, I have laid a foundation upon which you could and should assess your future or current mate – especially if you are experiencing violence, abuse or threats of any kind. This list is not meant to frighten you in any way. Nor is it meant to eliminate the wonders or courtship, or cause you to become fearful of others. It simply serves as a guide to the kind of man that will treat you with respect, and love you as God demands that you should be loved.
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In order to form relationships with other human beings, there has to be some level of trust. However, when we operate with blind faith, we often set ourselves up for situations that may be difficult to get out of. Domestic violence and abuse are very good examples of harmful situations that may not entirely be avoided, but you won’t miss the signs if you allow yourself to recognize the handwriting on the wall.

When you find yourself being wooed and courted with flattery, hopefully this list and others will be embedded within your heart for future references. Otherwise, you may assume that over-flattering behavior is normal. If you are in a new relationship, be careful if your admirer is: A. Obsessed with you. B. In a hurry to form a more mature relationship. C. Adores you and barely knows you. Usually, these signs are huge red flags that should not be ignored. They often mean that a messed up person is trying to intimately connect with you before their inner demons rear their ugly heads, and you see him or her for what, and who they really are.
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NOTE: Satan’s most effective tool is deception. Even if the abused miss the warning signs, the violent and abusive behaviors are still the responsibility of the abusers.
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“REALITY”

Abusers are no better than brute beasts!
Unfortunately, many women live with beastly behavior everyday, sad.
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It is not your destiny to die at the hands of abusers.
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WHEN FAIRY TALES DON’T COME TRUE
Domestic Violence The Story of Power and Control (PDF)
PLEASE DOWNLOAD THE PDF!!!

See you next blog,
Ted

Butterfly Or Caterpillar? Transforming vs Conforming

Romans 12:2 (KJV) ~ And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.

I think the biggest blessing comes to us when we are asked this question, “Do you really know that you are a child of God?” Now the enormity of that statement did not sink in right away. I had not perceived it in my spirit. My position was the same as that of King David, who before he had a revelation, before he perceived that he was king, never really knew the enormity of what it meant that he was a King. The Bible says in 1 Chronicles 14:2 (KJV), “And David perceived that the LORD had confirmed him king over Israel , for his kingdom was lifted up on high, because of his people Israel .” The revelation had dropped from his head to his heart. When I understood and perceived that I was a child of God, it was then, and only then, that I began to look at things differently. My old mindset was freed from the bondage of its restrictions.

We are all going to choose one way or another. We are either going to be conformed into what people, your job, your hobby, your church (pick whatever obsession you have), want you to be like or we will be transformed, but transformation is a process that is very different than conforming. Conforming means that you, by your own will, fashion yourself to be like the rest, whereas being transformed by the renewing or our mind means that we allow Christ's Holy Spirit to change our way of thinking and believing. We are in the process of becoming what we are to be according to His will and good pleasure. He changes us from the inside out!!! That is HUGE! In conforming yourself, your walk is very shallow if even existant, but in transformation we are set free to be who God chose us to be...We take on His DNA!

In the film, The Matrix, there is an amazing fight scene between Morpheus and Neo. Morpheus is training Neo to learn to fight, but there is much more at stake than just fighting. Morpheus says to Neo, “I can only show you the door; it is up to you to enter in. You are faster than that. Don’t just think you are, know you are. Free your mind!”

Now, truthfully, the only freedom we should allow in our mind is the freedom that comes from genuine faith, not works, or doing, or even self-becoming. You see the world wants us to embrace it's standard and to free our minds to be what it wants us to be and drop preconceived notions...especially those of faith in Christ. The enemy of our soul wants us to free our minds to take on a worldly, selfish state of mind, body, and spirit that has nothing to do with God's Holy Spirit transforming us into His likeness. Our flesh wants us to open our minds to experiencing new thrills even to the extreme point of FOOLISHNESS! Somehow we begin to believe that the next thrill be will the ultimate experience and again we end up needing something else to thrill us. That next thing can lead to a premature death, disfigurement, or disillusionment, and depression rather than experiencing the real joy walking with the living God and enjoying our salvation experience.

Just because those of us with common sense realize thrill-seeking is a pointless endeavor does that mean that we have accustomed ourselves to expect less from life, even failure? For many people it has been the only thing that they have ever known. Can we be trapped in mindsets? Do we fall into the trap of thinking that God can use everyone else but me?

What is needed in order to renew our minds to be more like Him? We must meditate on the word of God, and spend time before the Lord in prayer for wisdom and to know Him more, for the Bible says in Colossians 2:3 (KJV), “In whom are hid all the treasures of wisdom and knowledge”. When we allow the word of God, and the work of the Holy Spirit to change us, to penetrate our minds and our hearts so we can have a more positive outlook, then no longer will we be clothed in inferiority complexes, but rather we will be clothed in the power of the Lord. As we daily let the word of God change us, we will grow in courage and boldness, and be more confident in our everyday lives. We will no longer just linger on the peripheral of things, but will enter into the fullness of what God has for us. The door of wisdom and knowledge is before us and we enter through the Gate, who is Jesus Christ.

For the Bible says in John 8:32 (NIV), “Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free”. As we trust in Jesus, the bondage will be broken and our minds will be free to know more about Jesus by the power of the Holy Spirit. Just as David perceived in his mind and heart that he was a King, so we will, by the help of the Holy Spirit, not just think we are a child of God, but we will know we are! Then we will learn to live in the fullness of that amazing revelation. The Bible says in Ephesians 1:17 (KJV), “That the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of glory, may give unto you the spirit of wisdom and revelation in the knowledge of him”; to know that you ARE A CHILD OF THE LIVING GOD!

See you next blog,
Ted

The Loneliness That Follows Letting Go

OK YOU FINALLY LEFT A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP...NOW YOU MAY FEEL LONELY EVEN THOUGH YOUR LIFE IN THAT RELATIONSHIP WAS UNHEALTHY...NOW HOW DO I DEAL WITH IT AND KEEP FROM REPEATING THE SAME MISTAKE?

Sometimes God calls us to take steps we’d rather not. To make decisions that leave us in a lonely place, because it is based on right steps. Sometime He moves our stiff legs to bend in the exact way He desires, and we would otherwise despise.

The bending hurts. The new foot placement is uncomfortable. The straining position between where He wants me to go and where I want to be causes an anxiousness that at moments is overwhelming.

Yet sometimes He calls us to do this alone. He summons our soul to step out – beyond the crowd, beyond the comfort, beyond the familiar, and even beyond the bitterness. As the steps are taken, feelings of loneliness may often increase. Who do I talk to? Who will walk with me or carry me when I am too weak to walk? Who will hear me cry or hold my spinning head still? Who will cry with me and allow me to cling to them? Who? Clinging to your job, a bad marriage, bad relationships devoid of growth as a Christian, or even your children to hide loneliness is always wrong. Why? You are not facing life issues honestly, WORSE YOU ARE NOT DEPENDING ON GOD WHO BROUGHT OUT OF BONDAGE!!! So how do I deal with loneliness?

The reply to these questions is only answered by the hollow emptiness of no one. And yet there, void of company, a comfort can arise from deep within that moves you to believe that this is exactly the way He intended you to be; alone for a short time to reflect and listen.

The power of loneliness moves you to a place of dependence like nothing else can. You are self-actualized in ways no other person could help you to get to with their words or presence. In loneliness you are confronted with a version of yourself that is far more real and honest than any other status could bring. Here you face yourself, all your fears, and even your dreams before God…alone.

But though it isn't the way that you would want it if you could have it your way? At least you would be before God – alone – having all attention on you as if no one else existed? Though I would never make a life decision when lonely, it is time of reflection and honestly facing your fears and choosing to trust God for the future!

That reminds me of something I learned in seminary...blessed are the flexible, for they shall not break!!!

See you next blog,
Ted

Facing Our Fears (part III)
http://talesfromted.blogspot.com/2013/01/facing-our-fears-part-iii.html

Welcome to the New Year. Here is a wish for all that it be filled with Christ, courage, confidence, and clarity!

Like it or not every person, regardless of age, gender, or position has to confront fear in his or her life. We may face it in different arenas, as in relationships, work, sports, health, or sex. We may fear things in nature, in others, or in ourselves, but no one is immune to it. There are those who have reached the pinnacle of success who are still haunted by the fear of failure, and those comfortable making decisions affecting the lives of thousands that still fear their parents’ disapproval.
Fear is everywhere, and there is both good and bad news in this. The bad news is that we can’t avoid it, or we do so at our peril.
Understand this: What we don’t face rules us, most often unconsciously. A life avoiding fear is a life ruled by fear. It will be a life restricted to the known, with self-discovery and creativity as its casualties. It will be focused on safety and security, and passion will atrophy. Conversely, in facing our fear directly, we break its hold on our lives. By doing what we’re afraid to do, we develop confidence in ourselves. We learn that we can “handle it.” We put ourselves in positions to learn new things, to discover talents or resources we didn’t know we had, to seek help, perhaps meeting people and making friends along the way. In short, as we enter new territory our world expands, and as it does, our fear becomes a smaller part of it.

Learning About Our Fears In Nature
(taken from Circles of Air Circles of Stone)
Charlie was a computer programmer in his early forties. He loved children, although he had none. He was bored in his job, which kept him in a basement office with no windows, and he was “going through the motions” in a lifeless marriage with a conservative and fearful wife. He felt trapped and stuck.
Charlie entered the Vermont woods with his hopes, fears, and a flashlight. His major fear was of noises in the dark, but “as long as I have my flashlight nearby, I’ll be okay,” he assured himself.
As twilight approached, Charlie gathered his intentions and his courage, and made ready to face the darkness, the noises in the night. He worried that, if he should fall asleep and be awakened, he might be unable to find his comforting light, and so, with nylon rope and safety pin, he attached it to his shirtsleeve. His “problem” solved, he relaxed and drifted off to sleep.
Hours later, he opened his eyes in the blackness. Something had startled him, jarred him loose from the webbing of sleep. What was it? The noise -- where had it come from? Confused and disoriented, he struggled to attain consciousness, to bring his attention out of his dreams and into his body. As he did so, he became aware of a presence, cold and foreign, his fear erupting as he jerked himself upright, screaming, “There’s something on my arm!” It was, of course, his flashlight.
The story of Charlie’s flashlight illustrates how fear works in our lives. We develop strategies not to feel it, to avoid it, to make it go away. Like Charlie, with rope and safety pin, we become attached to whatever seems to lessen its presence(our jobs, our children, our parents, hobbies, anything not to face our fear or our problems). Charlie was clinging to a boring job and a lifeless marriage, situations that brought him little pleasure. By holding onto them he hoped to avoid his deepest fears: fear of rejection if he faced the job market at forty, fear of living alone and feelings of inadequacy at the thought of entering the singles social scene. Charlie came to realize that, like his flashlight, clinging to these situations not only didn’t relieve his fear, it actually increased fear’s power in his life.
Charlie had been holding onto his job, his marriage, and his flashlight the way a young child clings to a parent. The young child, who lives in each of us, hopes to avoid the frightening things in the world. He or she tries to do this by holding onto Mommy or Daddy (or spouses, money, children, position, etc.) or by magically making those things go away (drinking, television, workaholism, etc.). Most of our “security objects” do not, in fact, nurture us. Often they are deadening or outright destructive. But the real damage is not just in the activities or objects of our dependence. By clinging, avoiding, or medicating our fears, we structure our lives around a childlike feeling of helplessness, thereby reinforcing it. We subconsciously affirm our weakness, our inability to “handle it,” encouraging and enabling fear to spread until worry and anxiety pervades every decision and action.
Scott Peck, in the best-selling book The Road Less Traveled, defines metal illness as “the avoidance of legitimate suffering.” Whenever we avoid our difficult feelings -- fear, grief, anger, loss, pain, etc., when we refuse to fully experience them, we make ourselves ill, we create disease. The problem then is not the feelings, the problem is not the fear; it is our urge to deny it and protect ourselves from it. Staying in bed will protect us from the fear of the bogeyman in the closet, but if we truly want to lessen our fear, we have to open the door. Fear must be confronted and faced to be healed.
What are you holding onto with a "deathgrip" in order to attempt to forget you do have fears? What kind of problems do you face that you refuse to face up to for fear of failure or having to stand all alone? What have you pinned your so called security on in order to avoid facing your fears? These questions must be answered to live a whole life! Don't be afraid to look under the bed and see if the bogeyman is there. Don't be afraid to look at bad relationships with toxic people that keep you down with a renewed resolve to become wholly independent from things that hurt you.
Face your fears with determination to let God control your destiny! If you call yourself a Christian and all you have to face fear is religion you are bankrupt of faith! You must develop a real daily, living, relationship with Christ and exercise real faith! Christian religion without Jesus at the head is dead religion! He is a prayer away...
See you next blog,
Ted

FINALLY Letting Go Of An Abusive Relationship
(NOTE) Men and women can be abusers but since most abuse occurs by males we will use this gender as an example:

OK Christmas has come and gone and you waited to see if your relationship with your ABUSER was going to get better this Christmas. Maybe you let him know before Christmas that he finally skated on to the thin ice and something he did not want was about to happen. So maybe or maybe not he became prince charming to impress you that he has changed…however it’s the little things he does that let you know that the fox is still in the hen house! The chinks in his armor are not hard to spot if you are disagreeable enough. However, many of you don’t want to rock the boat, because you fear what will come out of his mouth or some action he may take that frightens you.

What is the opposite of letting go? You know it--holding on. If you're still holding on in an abusive marriage, then you need to figure out exactly what your reasons are for letting go. These reasons seem to fall into these five categories:

Reasons for letting go of a relationship:

Reason One:
Ongoing physical, verbal, or sexual abuse: If you're not sure what abuse is, ask yourself how you feel about yourself and the way you are treated when the abuser is angry or frustrated. If there is definitely abuse, but you're still having trouble letting go of a relationship, read on! Other forms of abuse include neglect(physical, emotional, and spiritual) and abandonment of you or your children. You have to be the one to decide when it's too much, but be sure you understand bad relationships and abusive relationships mark you forever, it affects your confidence, your overall feeling about yourself, it fosters insecurity and doubt. before making your decision.

Reason Two:
When you or the other person is not taking responsibility or trying to get any help or you have sought help or talked till you are blue in the face and they would not take it to heart. The chances of things solving your marriage problems are zero, unless both people in the relationship are getting help and making changes that show a contrite heart, however rarely does an abusive relationship get better the abuser only learns to mimic the required behavior to keep you around until they lose it again.

Reason Three:
Things just really never get better. Even when the abuser seems nice he puts you in your place and tries to fix you. Anytime anyone tries to fix you that is a sure sign that it is time to be letting go of a relationship. Even if things get better in between the bad times, if the bad times are getting worse or even staying the same, it is time to get out. You cannot change your abusers behavior!

Reason Four:
The relationship is harmful to children. When children are being harmed in any way, verbally, emotionally, especially physically by their adult parents or caregivers, it is time to consider moving on. Never let a child suffer any of these abuses as it lasts a lifetime!

Reason Five:
Any kind of re-occurring physical danger or emotional danger to yourself or others is a sign that things need to end or change dramatically. Get away and get help!

Why is letting go of a relationship so hard?

I've got one answer to start with--the power of love and/or pity. The need to love and be loved is huge in every one of us, and it makes us hold on tight, sometimes long after we should have let go. You might have also come to pity your abuser thinking it is love that holds you. Let's consider some other things that make it so hard to let go:

If the love you grew up with was mixed in with abuse, endangerment to you or other family members, neglect and/or abandonment, then that becomes your version of love. And then you go looking for "your version of love," which includes the type of pain, fear and anger that you're used to. This is a pattern that is set in place early in life, and you can learn to change your patterns here.

You feel unworthy of respect, care and love. You may have or been made to feel false shame, guilt about yourself and your past, which can cause you to believe that you don't deserve to be treated well. Your abuser may have convinced you that you could not make it without his genius. It is important that you learn to love and appreciate yourself, especially if you're having trouble letting go of a relationship.

Fear of the unknown. If you've been in your relationship a long time, you may have a hard time imagining life outside of it.

Your children keep pulling you back in because they are unaware that they have been abused or have chosen to ignore the painful truth. Children are resilient and bounce back quickly from emotional pain for a while but the real damage is there lurking under the surface and often the children take on the characteristics of their abuser in their latter teen years.

Financial worries can keep you from letting go of a relationship long past the time when it should have ended. Take a look at your financial health and emotional wealth, in order to get secure enough to do what needs to be done.

Rejection by others in your family or friend circle! This one is hard to overcome if you are a people pleaser.

Religious fallacies that hold you to a bad relationship. Faith in God is important, but never has God told anyone that abuse is allowed in a Christian marriage. In fact, the opposite is true as it gives the man more responsibility to maintain a healthy marriage relationship by dying to his own ambitions and wants in order to better serve the Lord, his beloved, and his children.

Jealousy is a tough one. Sometimes, as bad as it feels, jealousy can make letting go of a relationship much harder than it should be. Learn about overcoming jealousy here.

What are the steps I need to take to finally let go?

Okay, now let's get to the "how to" part. Keep in mind that when you are letting go of a relationship, you're still left with yourself--and you really need to like yourself! Low self-esteem is the cause of many people staying in unhealthy or abusive relationships. You know you're a good person, deep inside, and you can heal what's wrong with you!

Let's get started:

Take an inventory of the pluses of your relationship. You don't want to be like those miserable and bitter folks who end up getting married and divorced with the same person over and over! So, write down all of the things you like, appreciate and admire about the other person. Include why you chose to be with them in the first place, and if you're married, why you chose to marry them. Get it all down in your journal, and don't hold back. The main reason letting go of a relationship is so hard is the good stuff that makes you not want to leave.

Now write all of the things you don't like. Make a detailed list of all of the ways the other person has hurt you, scared you, betrayed you or let you down. Again, don't hold back--get it all out. This is where you are "examining your wounds," and it is absolutely essential. Next, it's time to forgive. You forgive for yourself, by the way--not for the other person. You forgive because you will be lighter and healthier when you do. Learn about love and forgiveness here.

A lot of times when someone is moving out of your life, it's not them you're having trouble letting go of--it's the dream of who you thought they were, and what you hoped to have with them. You're also letting go of who you were in that relationship. We're a little (or a lot) different in each of our relationships, so when one of them ends, we're giving up that part of us that showed up only with that person. Try writing about these...your dream of what you wanted the relationship to be, and who you were in the relationship. That's what you're really letting go of.

Develop a picture in your mind of "you on the other side of the relationship" that is ending. That's where you're headed, and if it just looks like a bad movie, you will have a lot of trouble letting go. Keep working at it until you can begin imagining yourself doing well, grieving if you need to, feeling better, and moving on with the process of creating a good life for yourself. Others have done it, you can too.

How do I know when it's over?

Thomas Moore, author of Care Of The Soul and Soul Mates says that the soul attaches deeply in relationship, and takes a long time to let go. I'm telling you this so that you will understand that you might dream or think about someone for a long time after you're no longer with them--that doesn't necessarily mean you haven't let them go.

Here are some signs that you have let go:

You have finally overcome your fears, moved out, taken what is rightfully yours, and started a new life

Your heart is light, and your breathing is easy, even when you're thinking about the the abuser and the terrible things he did to you.

You finally go for long periods of time without thinking about your abuser.

When something reminds you of them, you might have a twinge of sorrow or anger, but it only lasts a few minutes at most.

You are in the process of forgiving your abuser but realizing you can never go back--yes, it is a process, and usually doesn't happen all at once. Understand that you must never take your abuser back into your life at any level lest you become ensnared again in a bad situation of guilt, blame, confusion, and pity. Pity is not love so do not mistake pity for what it is not!

See you next blog,
Ted

Emotional Abuse Test: Am I Emotionally Abused?

I will continue in the next blog to discuss the last part of Facing Our Fears, but because of emails asking me to define abuse in more detail I decided to include this:
Emotional Abuse Test: Am I Emotionally Abused? and Psychological Abuse Signs and Symptoms. All the information included in h