charlie_ray's Profile Page
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sKcF8bhttp://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0sKcF8bWBZMWBZMWAS BROUGHT UP IN A CARAVAN IN
THE BILLY SMARTS CIRCUS,,
HAD MY VOICE TRAINED WITH A WHIP........
SOME OF MY FAMILY MADE IT IN MUSIC ,,,I'M STILL TRYING ...........
WE WERE SO POOR AFTER THE WAR WE HAD TWO BATH TAPS ONE WAS COLD THE OTHER BLOODY COLD MATE ....
ME MUMS KITCHEN WAS SO NARROW OUR DOG HAD TO WAG IT;S TAIL UP AND DOWN..
MUM ALWAYS ATE FIRST,,THEN DAD WOULD BORROW HER FALSE TEETH AND EAT HIS,HE TOLD ME HE ALWAYS GOT THE EXTRA BITS AS MUM LEFT LOTS STUCK TO THE GUMS...
I GOT A CLIP BEHIND THE EARHOLE FROM MUM WHEN AT MY AUNTIES WE WERE HAVING DINNER AND I SAID ARE THOSE SHINEY KNIFE AND FORK THINGS JEWELRY...........
MY MATE MET A BEAUTIFUL GIRL,AND AT ONCE HE ASKED HER TO MARRY HIM .SHE SAID SURE BUT I WANT SEX 7 TIMES A WEEK..WELL HE SAID YOU CAN PUT ME DOWN FOR 3 OF THEM.......
MY NEXT DOOR NIEGHBOURS WIFE WAS SO UGLY SHE HAD TO PUT A BLINDFOLD ON HER VIBRATOR...
MY WIFE AND I HAD ONLY EVER HAD ONE ARGUMENT IN 1972....IT'S STILL GOING ON TO THIS DAY ..........
I WAS DIGGING A HOLE IN THE GARDEN .WHEN MY NIEGHBOUR POPPED HIS HEAD OVER THE FENCE AND SAID "HEY DAVE WHAT YA DOING MATE " I REPLIED "MATE ME GOLDFISH DIED SO I'M BURYING IT" "OH !!" HE SAID , "I'M SORRY TO HEAR ABOUT THAT....BUT WHY IS THE HOLE SO BIG?"
I RE-PLIED " BECAUSE IT'S IN YOUR BLOODY CATS STOMACH"..
ALWAYS KEEP YOUR KNEE'S IN FRONT.
DON'T LET THEM SLIP BEHIND.
KNEE'S THAT SLIP BEHIND YOU,ARE DIFFICULT TO FIND.
JIM LAD LET HIS KNEE'S SLIP.
THEY SLIPPED BEHIND THE LAD,
IN CHURCH HE KNELT DOWN BACK TO FRONT,
AND MADE THE VICAR SAD .
SPIKE MILLIGAN .
MY NEIGHBOUR BOUGHT A METAL DETECTOR AND TOOK IT DOWN THE ROAD TO LYALL BAY BEACH ..
HE WAS 60 FOOT DOWN AFTER 4 HOURS DIGGING TILL HE REALIZED HE HAD STEEL TOE CAP BOOTS ON ..
MY GRANDFATHER WAS IN THE CATTLE /BEEF MARKET, HE BRED THE WORLDS FINEST BULL'S
WHICH WERE SHIPPED AROUND THE WORLD..
HE WAS KNOWN AS THE BIGGEST BULLSHIPPER IN THE WORLD ..
RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a
little beverage, good food and companionship.
She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds.
Hers is in California, and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere,
but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary.
"Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said.
So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well
because there was water in the carburetor.
I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days.
Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late
for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her
first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though.
My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"
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